Talking about our sexual desires isn’t something that’s usually taught in communication classes. Finding a healthy, comfortable way to speak openly about your fantasies and sexual needs is a vital part of having a great sex life. Like anything, practice helps, you’ll get better the more you do it. But first you have to get started. If you’ve never addressed these things openly then here are some suggestions to get the ball rolling. Even if you’re already sharing your sexy thoughts with your partner then hopefully you’ll find some new ideas to take away and improve your communication.
If you have a hard time communicating face to face, there are a lot of options to work your way up to that! As long as you’re expressing your sexual desires in a way that is accessible to your partner then that’s the important part.
1) The first step is learning the language of sexual expression. You might be using words that have never before been ‘appropriate’ to use. In fact, I hope you’re using those kinds of words! It’s important that you find descriptions and phrases that you feel comfortable with, but push yourself at least a little ways beyond your comfort zone. It’s the only way you’ll build your ‘sexual vocabulary’.
2) For some, writing words down is much easier than saying them out loud. There’s a variety of ways you can use this to your benefit. Keeping a two-person journal can make your writing a ‘conversation’. First one of you write some thoughts & desires, then you give it to your partner to read what you wrote before they contribute their own ideas & fantasies. They don’t have to be lengthy entries, but of course write as much as you need to. As you give it back & forth you will develop an intimacy and a feeling of open communication about your sex life.
3) Another way of using text is through email or texts. Again, you can keep it short (with texts, you have to!), it’s just a simple way of keeping that sexual connection going. Fantasies can be concise, just to share the idea of what gets you hot. Safety Warning! Make sure you’re not using company email or phones! With some companies it’s actually illegal but regardless it’s just a dangerous practice. Keep your sex life private when it comes to work exposure.
4) Phone conversations can give you ‘just enough’ distance to open up your secret sexy wants. Again, make sure that you’re able to be private enough to speak freely, without interruption. It can have a ‘dirty talk’ approach using sensual voices while describing your fantasy as a story. Or you can simply have a conversation, sharing secret desires to make them not-so-secret anymore.
5) When you’re together in the dark, at night before going to bed, when the day is done, it’s a great time to get those verbal juices flowing. It doesn’t have to lead to physical sex, just let your ears ride the erotic wave *wink* making sure that you do have some skin to skin contact though. You don’t want to lay side by side, not touching and feeling awkward about sharing your intimate wishes. Just like all of these communication styles, it’s meant to build intimacy so let the connection between you grow at your own pace, using whatever style works for you both.
Hopefully these techniques will lead you towards feeling more comfortable talking about your desires with your partner face to face, whether by candlelight or over breakfast or however you do. When you are able to be open with your power with what turns you on, you have a much better chance of actually experiencing what turns you on! Don’t focus only on orgasm though, foreplay and post-coital needs are important too. Just get talking, you sex life will improve exponentially!